Dear Exhausted, written advice

Dear Exhausted,

I’m sorry to hear about your war with sleep. I can relate. Difficulty falling asleep used to drive me nuts, but then I realized something. If you’re asleep, you’re wasting time. People lose six to eight hours every night sleeping. Instead of sleeping, do something. Watch a show, go for a walk, rob a bank, complete a five-thousand-piece puzzle… whatever you want. You have six to eight hours more than other people.

And if you’re worried about dark under-eye circles, just buy some makeup. Since you have so much spare time every night, you definitely have time to do your makeup. If you’re lucky, you’re one of those people whose skin doesn’t really show signs of exhaustion. If you’re not so lucky, you may want to consider getting a job for those nights when you’re sleeping, to pay for all the makeup you’ll be using.

Speaking of responsible uses for your nights, you could learn a new language. If you’ve ever dreamed of travelling, you could learn the language of whatever country or area you’d like to visit. Also, if you learn French, you can get better jobs in Canada. You could also devote yourself to becoming an expert in something, like clay statuettes. You could become the next great artist, because you have difficulty sleeping.

There’s an entire society for insomniacs. Your difficulty sleeping will grant you access to that mysterious and shadowy world. You can make new friends and have new experiences, which you would otherwise not have if you slept every night like normal people. You have been chosen to worship in the temples of Nyx and Hypnos.

Godspeed,

Viking