Monologue

Milton’s job monologue (SPCA officer)

At work the other day, I got to spend like twenty minutes with a few baby raccoons. Their mother had been killed, so we were called in to rescue them, and we had to round them up and bring them into the shelter with us. We had to call in a vet and he suggested we call the local wildlife reserve, so they’re in a nice new home now. I was kind of bummed out that I wouldn’t get to spend more time with them, but they’re much better off there. And anyway, I still have our longer-term residents, like Paolo the Pug and Sylvester the Siamese cat. Wow, our names for these poor creatures are extremely lame. Anyway, after they left, I spent some time with the animals at the shelter. We’ve managed to get Beatle used to us; he was so badly abused and neglected that when we first got him we couldn’t handle him at all. And today I was brushing him and he barely minded. It’s always so rewarding to see such progress in the animals. It really fills you with a sense of hope and accomplishment. After that, I got another emergency call, and had to go check out this one guy and his dog. It turned out that the guy was actually a really great pet owner, and his neighbours had just called us to spite him. It’s so annoying when people do that; I could be spending that time actually helping the animals that need it, rather than being used as a tool in some petty neighbourly dispute. It’s stupid. But I guess people are stupid, or at least some of them are. Anyway, I’m considering adopting Jules. He’s been in the shelter so long, and nobody wants him because he’s kind of an ugly bugger, so there’s been talk of euthanizing him. I get it, I guess. We need the space and all of that, but it’s ridiculous that this poor animal may be killed just because there’s not a massive lineup to own him. With a little work and some TLC he’d be a great dog, and he’s just so sweet once he gets used to you. But he’s a little bit jumpy and tends to bite when he gets nervous, so people don’t want him. Yeah, I’ve just decided. I’m going to adopt him, and give him a great new life. Speaking of new lives reminds me…

So, have you decided what you’re going to tell the Museum?